What he did was really bad and unforgivable. But it wouldn't make any difference even if I talk bad things behind him or curse him. The reality remains: He will never change. He will continue to lie, to use his charm to trick girls for his own pleasure. In some ways he reminds me so much of Ryan Phillipe's character in "Cruel Intentions", Sebastian, that it scares me. I was once that victim of his, eating from the palm of his hand, and trusting every single word he said. Even when the whole world was practically screaming at me "Go away! He's dangerous!"
Maybe all I wanted was to prove them wrong, to be able to say "See, what have I told you?" But I was so wrong. I turned out being the complete fool, disregarding my peers and parents, and even God. I was hoping to be winner out of this battle I could clearly see the devil was winning. I'm so sorry, Lord.
I wish I could unwind the past, forget about what had happened. Go back to that stage in my life where the only thing worth worrying about was studies and innocent crushes on cute guys. But no matter how hard I try, the harsh truth knocks on the door to my heart, reminding me of how I gave in so easily. Too easily. Yes, I am too gullible for my own sake, and I hope that the other girls will know his true colours. But who am I to tell them that this seemingly perfect guy promises them the world only to take what he wants away from them? I wish I could warn them to stay away before it's too late, before they regret ever listening to his sweet talks, before they cry late at night after finding out the truth, before they experience what I have experienced.
Though it's all out of my control, I'm glad that it's never out of God's control. Through all the heartache and betrayal I had felt for these past few months, I thank God everyday for giving me a reason to believe in His unfailing love and His grand plans He has for each for us. I will not take this as a punishment or a setback, but as a bitter lesson learnt, as another bump on the road of this journey I have embarked on.
For those women out there who've gone through a similar experience before, this song is for you. My heart goes out to you.
None but Jesus- Brooke Fraser/Hillsong United
In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live
to bring Him praise
In the chaos
In confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days
All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord forevermore
2 comments:
Hey, Joss, I've been there too (okay, it was a long time ago) -- different guy, different continent, different decade, but it sounds like you and I may be "soul sisters" on the "He had me eating out of the palm of his hand" front.
But, as you said, God is good. He restored me, and He will you, too. And undoubtedly He'll work it all for your good.
Grace & peace!
Thanks =)
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