Torn

I should have known.


Have you ever felt a deep yearning to find out about something- a secret, exclusive information that no one else knew? But when you finally know what it is, you wished that you were better off NOT knowing about it. Because now that you DO know about this news, you don't know how to react, who to talk to, what to say.

I've always relied on my conscience, more than facts, on making decisions. And now that I've found out about this, it saddens me to know that I am once again, wrong.

Or maybe, at the very back of my head, I had always known it- but I made myself believe otherwise. I wanted to fix it, wanted to believe that I could do something about this to make it better. And then there's that other little voice that's telling me it's time to let go.

***

I'm being really vague about this as I'll let you (who I feel need to know about this =P ) know in time. Don't worry though. I'm fine.

Anyway I'm looking forward to the last cell group session tonight =)

Trials

It's been quite some time since I blogged about something personal, but guess it's time for one.

A friend has just told me a few minutes ago that my ex (let's just call him X for now) has joined a Christian cell group.

If this was any other friend of mine, I would feel happy for him/her.

*keeps fingers crossed that he doesn't read this*

A quick update on those who don't know about X. He was my first, and it lasted for less than 2 months. A forbidden relationship would be a nice choice to describe it, it was wrong in so many ways. My brain was telling me I shouldn't, my friends told me he was up to no good and only wanted to use me, even my dad told me he wouldn't call me daughter anymore if I continued seeing him.

I was stubborn. Only daughter syndrome. It was so wrong that it felt right, in a way. I tricked myself into believing that as long as I was happy, God would provide a way. That includes probably getting him to go to church, to quit smoking, maybe to even get to know Christ. I even believed that the main reason for the relationship was so that I could be his turning point in life.

Little did I know that my plan had its flaws. Firstly, he had a plan of his own. (I'd never shared this before to anyone else except my close friends). Anyway, his plan (which I found out after it was over) was to date at least 2 girls at a time, use them, and then dump them. Secondly, I was misinterpreting all the signals, call me naive or just plain gullible for believing his sweet lies.

2 months went by and he said it wouldn't work out. Then I found out from someone else that he never really liked me, and only "went for it" as I was an easy target. I was furious, disappointed, disgusted, humiliated, and felt incredibly stupid. I thought I knew better, I thought I was smarter.

Most of all, I felt betrayal. It was difficult to put my trust in anybody else after that incident. The days went on very slowly after that, I was forced to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything was okay when in actual fact, I just wanted to break down and cry all over again. I wished everyday that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from, prayed that time could reverse itself. What made it harder was the fact that I had to see him everyday last year as we lived in the same hall. It was then that I learnt the real meaning of torture.

Healing was a slow process. But I'm thankful for friends who listened and helped me through it.

The reason why I'm bringing this up again is because when Raymond talked about "trials" today during cell group, I chose that as my trial I went through. He mentioned that trials are present in our lives not as brick walls or to hold us down, but trials are there as a sign that God loves us. =)

Trials and tribulations come with both a purpose and a reward.

"Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:2-4,12).

So many times when we face certain trials, we think of it as a punishment of some sort from God. It's time to think of it as a blessing, as odd as it may sound.

I'm still learning, and it's ironic thinking back: Before coming here to NZ, I prayed that God would give me an experience that I can use to encourage people with and make myself a better person. Lo and behold, God provided me the experience of a "worst case scenario". ;P


I want to say I've forgiven X 100%, and can forget about what he did and move on with my life. Some say I must be spending too much time feeding on my despair, but a wound doesn't just heal in a short time. Though it's been over a year now, I'm still learning every single day to truly trust that this experience is necessary for a greater plan that I still cannot understand now.

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
I’ve been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
It’s gonna be ok

I’ve been trying to find a way to understand
When I can’t see the picture of God’s plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feeling that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on the beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew His love was part of me

It’s taken so long to let this go
It’s taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It’s taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it’s gonna be ok

~Britt Nicole, Don't Worry Now

To all those still recovering from hurt of any kind, it's going to be ok.

And that's speaking from experience.

Bubbly

I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feeling like a child now
'cause every time i see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

~dedicated to a certain someone.
Colbie Cailat - Bubbly

Gratitude

Some people receive prophecies from prophets, some hear audible voices from above, some dream dreams, some receive visions, some flip open the bible and out comes a passage that speaks to them directly.

And me?

I just KNOW that certain things are meant to be, that they are meant to happen regardless how absurd it might seem/sound at the first place. I'm not psychic or a fortune-teller, but certain things that have happened lately do surprise me.

Those that know me well enough would know that the flat hunt for next year went on for quite a while. It was the terms test period then, I was down with a cold, and the landlords/tenants gave us different answers each time we asked them for more information or whether the flats were taken or not. Then when we almost decided with a flat, there came the worry that we won't be able to find 2 more people and would need to end up paying for extra rents. Or worrying about the distance of the new flat or even how the stairs would be frosty and slippery during the winter.

Despite all the uncertainties that surrounded me, I just knew that I shouldn't worry, and that I didn't need to. He made those plans, He planned for Citicol to rent over The Lofts, He planned for the Pancakes to becomes RAs next year, He planned for that flat to be ours even before we decided to view it. And that's how I know we need not worry about not having 2 more flatmates, or even whether we'll fall down the stairs and break a leg or something terrible.

Also, I've been getting this word planted inside my head for a few days now.

Gratitude.

The song "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman was used as the opening song in the movie clip made for my birthday, and it wasn't by random chance it was chosen. Just watched a Korean movie minutes ago, and the words that stuck out the most the whole time despite it being a cheesy love story was "Deo Gratias" (latino, meaning giving thanks to God for grace received).

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessd beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace...

But, Jesus, would You please...

So often we only give thanks for what we already have (and ask for what we don't). Who doesn't? Perhaps what I need to do right now is to show gratitude, even for things that hasn't come to pass yet, so that when it really happens in the future, how much more would it/someone be appreciated?

So here it is, a list in no particular order, my "gratitude list":

I'm giving thanks

• for being able to make melodies out of a set of 88 black & white keys.
• for having friends I couldn't bear the thought of not living without (you know who you are)
  
• for the past (sometimes bitter) experiences that made me who I am now.
• for the opportunity to study here.
• for good food =)
• for music and the ability to appreciate them.
• for the sun today.
• for the joyous feeling of handing in my assignment hours ago.
• for laughter in my life.
• for beautiful flowers during spring.
• for lighthouse to grow from around 6 people in Arana hall last year to a mini church now

• for love stories that make me go "awwwww..."
• for the excitement anticipation brings :P

All in all, for being given what I need and so much mre than I could over hope for.

Growth

A Millionaire's First Love is such a tearjerker.

Yeap, I still enjoy watching these sad movies and end up with wet tissues when I should be studying.

The soundtrack for the movie is awfully sweet, too bad I can't read or understand Korean to appreciate it more. Love the instrumentals, as always.

Is it only me or does Hyun Bin look unlike himself in that movie?

***

Walking past the registry building today and seeing the flowers blossom is such a beautiful and calming sight. =)

Spring, to me, is the season of hope & change.

Reminds me of this beautiful song:

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

~Every season by Nichole Nordeman

***

Things WILL be better from now onwards.

It is already showing: the seeds planted, the prayers said, the effort put in, the passion felt by everyone. All that's needed now is a whole lot of faith.

For the first time in many months, I feel and see growth happening. =)

DF Day 6: Being Sentimental

I miss your smile, miss everything about you.



I wonder if you'll ever find out about me feeling this way.

I wonder how you would react when you find out.

I wonder if you're feeling the same way.

I wonder if I'll ever find the courage to say those words to you.

I wonder if you'll laugh and make fun of me when you finally find out.

I wonder how things would be if you were here right now.

I wonder what is it that you fear most; wonder what the first thing on your mind is when you wake up.

I wonder if you're reading this.

I wonder what you're thinking right this instant, wonder what you're doing.



Sometimes, a girl just needs to wonder.

Chicken soup for the soul

We use music to relate to each other. Certain songs bring a smile to our faces, others make us remember things we try to forget. And for that very reason, the latter category of songs are no longer in my "favourites" playlist.

These are some of the songs that I avoid listening to at all costs, not because they sound bad, but because they're too beautiful in reminding me of who I was and about my past. So here they are, the songs that I once held dear to (in no particular order):

Missy Higgins - The Special Two (watch youtube)
Why? I was in the music room at Studholme playing and singing this song to myself, when I got a text, "You have the most beautiful voice that I've ever heard..." I shouldn't believe it, blame me for being naive then, but I did. I can almost hear you saying "it's our song" every time I listen to this song.

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter (watch youtube)
Why? "And so it is, just like you said it would be..." Those haunting first lines hit me at the same spot each and every time. I knew I would end up getting hurt, but curious and foolish beings we are, I couldn't help but to fall into that trap. I got out, but scraped myself and left a permanent scar on my heart. "I can't take my mind off you, til I find somebody new".

Dan Hill - Sometimes when we touch (again, watch youtube)
Why? You left a voice message on my cellphone, and sang this song. Need I say more?

***

Good thing is, compared to the 5 or less songs that remind me of you, I choose to have 3000 more songs that remind me of how I'm blessed everyday, and that includes having had an experience that one can only learn first-hand.

Blogging about you doesn't mean that I'm not over you or that I still hate you for doing what you did to me; it's a way of excreting the wastes, so that I can eat more yummy food. =)

Some people would just ask me to confront you and make you erm PAY, but meh, why should I waste energy doing what is worthless when God will deal with you and your actions eventually? As the saying goes: What goes around comes around.

The unsent letter

My friend,

Knowing you for over 10 years already made me take for granted the fact that I KNOW you well enough to depend on you. Well, apparently I was mistaken.

I know we all have our own things to do now, with you busy working and running various errands. But can't you fit an old friend into that busy schedule of yours? The hot weather and traffic is no excuse, since I sacrificed my time in overseas to be back here with all of you. If you know me well enough, you would also know that I HATE people being late, and I HATE being late myself. So that's why when it's 12 o'clock sharp, it is 12 o'clock SHARP. If you know there's going to be traffic, get out of the house early.

You told me we would meet at 2pm today. Fine, I said. Then you said plans changed, and the time to meet is now 3.30pm. Fine, I said, I'll be there. Time passed and it is 4.30pm, and you arrived with not only an insincere apology, but also spent the whole time chatting to someone else and complaining about not being able to have your picture taken with us. My dear friend, my whole point of asking you to join us was to take some frigging pictures, so if you're not keen on that, why even bother to show up?!

Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I felt annoyed. I forgave, but as the saying goes, I never forgotten. This has become a bad habit of yours that I'm not sure I can ever live with. Every moment spent with you makes me feel like I owe you the time you're spending to be with all of us.

No, I'm not mad at you. I'm just surprised at how much things has changed since I last left town. Or maybe, I was also like that once, totally ignoring the feelings of others and only focusing on mine? Whatever that has caused this, things have definitely changed. And I won't make any effort to change it since you seem pretty comfortable at that position, and frankly speaking, I feel that I don't feel as comfortable as before being back here like I used to.

Little by little, I feel more belonged at Dunedin. I tend to compare more things and be unhappy about more things here. Heck, even my body is responding to the drastic change and asking me to hurry back to whether I should be right now.

Maybe I've been expecting too much. I expect to be able to laugh along at your jokes, or join in at the latest gossips, and listen to you complain about your new hairdo... but I find myself just sitting there, faking a smile/laugh once in a while, wondering to myself why would I even bother being there anymore. What I had thought was cool and used to do has suddenly became boring and lame.

Oh well. And why would I even bother typing this since you don't even know that this blog exists? Even if you ever come across this, please don't take it the wrong way. You've been my friend for the longest time, and I treasure what we have, and will do my best to keep this tie strong. Just please put in more effort in making this friendship worthwhile and memorable, would you?

You're brilliant at what you do, even though you might not realise that at times. Confidence do come in handy sometimes. I believe that you can do great things. And though I won't be around here often and since we barely keep in touch online either, I wish you a wonderful journey along that road called life, and that you'll remember the times we had in the teenage years of our lives.

Till then, my friend.

Where is the love?

It's been quite some time since I've written something biblical. Heh.

Anyway, the topic preached at church this morning was on LOVE. Yeap, something that we all thought we knew but in actual fact, we all fall short of loving ourselves and the people around us.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Basically, that passage alone is enough in teaching us how to live life fully. But in reality, no one is perfect, and that is why we can never achieve all these points. The one that stood out the most (to me personally) during these times is the phrase "it keeps no record of wrongs". Though it's easy to say "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you" or "It's alright" etc, I still find it so difficult to really let things go and move on.

Some people I know said that they have indeed moved on, but still continue to bring up the same issue over and over again, continuously digging up the past. It's not only so irritating and frustrating, but doing that is actually making yourself seem pitiful in the eyes of others.

Self pity is the smog that pollutes and obscures the light of the Son. The more you are out of it, the deeper it hurts. The more your eyes shed tears, the greater the sting of loneliness.

Charles R. Swindoll

Don't you see that though you're hurting yourself and those around you subconsciously? I know that you're not intentionally doing that to seek attention or whatever, and letting go may not be an easy thing to do, but just surrender it all to Him.

Please don't take this personally, and don't ask me if this is you that I'm writing about. I just want you to know that I'm not avoiding the "issue" or anything, but the process of forgiving and healing can only happen if one side starts letting go. I challenge you to be that bigger person, I have faith in you. =)

On a lighter note, some guys blokes in Aussie decided to come up with a slang bible. If you're going "HUH?" already, read this.

The Cockney Lord's Prayer

Hello, Dad, up there in good ol' Heaven,

Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, Guv. We hope we can all 'ave a butcher's at Heaven and be there as soon as possible. And we want to make you happy, Guv, and do what you want 'ere on earth, just like what you do in Heaven.

Guv, please give us some Uncle Fred, and enough grub and stuff to keep us going today, and we hope you'll forgive us when we cock things up, just like we're supposed to forgive them who annoy us and do dodgy stuff to us. There's a lot of dodgy people around, Guv; please don't let us get tempted to do bad things. Help keep us away from all the nasty, evil stuff, and keep that dodgy Satan away from us, 'cos you're much stronger than 'im. Your the Boss, God, and will be forever, innit? Cheers, Amen.

Muahahahaha. Farnie Aussie blokes.

Mahjong mania

Believe it or not, here comes the big bomb. I knew it was going to happen AGAIN very soon, but I promised myself to not let myself get involved, not even emotionally. Unfortunately, I don't think this issue will ever be settled once and for all if everyone keep defending and accusing each other. The only way to get it over with is to look past all these human mistakes (yes, we ALL make mistakes, and don't be afraid to admit it!), get down to the basics of asking God for forgiveness and start over. Sadly, nobody is humble enough to do that right now, and no matter how "holy" or spiritually filled you think you are, you'll never be good enough in God's eyes if you continue to add more fuel to this fire.

So there. Now please stop putting this weight on me, or on anybody else. Whatever happened to really forgiving and forgetting?! Forgiving means not critisizing others, even though they are wrong and are really intent in hurting you. Forgetting means looking PAST each others' faults and work together as churches, forming healthy spiritual networks, encouraging each other to grow in faith and unity.

Finally, I just want to say this to those who are stuck in going through broken relationships or networks. WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER! So put aside our differences and cooperate; love your enemies as you love yourself.

Anyway (a very big one), spring is officially here! *squeals* Though most of the trees are still "botak", it's only a matter of time when the leaves and flowers will bud, sending out that fresh spring fragrance. So excited!

Of course, my mood was super good yesterday. Music practice was AWESOME as always, and later on spent 3 hours discussing, praying and just singing songs with Alex and Raymond. Trying to pick up the very basics of guitar skills too. Learnt how to play mahjong last night. keke. Got addicted soon enough, and we ended up playing until 4am while eating steak and sausages. Uber funness!

Too bad holiday ends soon, back to lectures on Monday. Bleh.

We learn, albeit painfully

I guess the question isn't "How stupid was I?" or"What an idiot I am for believing him?", rather it should be this statement "God, please help him. Have mercy on his soul."

What he did was really bad and unforgivable. But it wouldn't make any difference even if I talk bad things behind him or curse him. The reality remains: He will never change. He will continue to lie, to use his charm to trick girls for his own pleasure. In some ways he reminds me so much of Ryan Phillipe's character in "Cruel Intentions", Sebastian, that it scares me. I was once that victim of his, eating from the palm of his hand, and trusting every single word he said. Even when the whole world was practically screaming at me "Go away! He's dangerous!"

Maybe all I wanted was to prove them wrong, to be able to say "See, what have I told you?" But I was so wrong. I turned out being the complete fool, disregarding my peers and parents, and even God. I was hoping to be winner out of this battle I could clearly see the devil was winning. I'm so sorry, Lord.

I wish I could unwind the past, forget about what had happened. Go back to that stage in my life where the only thing worth worrying about was studies and innocent crushes on cute guys. But no matter how hard I try, the harsh truth knocks on the door to my heart, reminding me of how I gave in so easily. Too easily. Yes, I am too gullible for my own sake, and I hope that the other girls will know his true colours. But who am I to tell them that this seemingly perfect guy promises them the world only to take what he wants away from them? I wish I could warn them to stay away before it's too late, before they regret ever listening to his sweet talks, before they cry late at night after finding out the truth, before they experience what I have experienced.

Though it's all out of my control, I'm glad that it's never out of God's control. Through all the heartache and betrayal I had felt for these past few months, I thank God everyday for giving me a reason to believe in His unfailing love and His grand plans He has for each for us. I will not take this as a punishment or a setback, but as a bitter lesson learnt, as another bump on the road of this journey I have embarked on.

For those women out there who've gone through a similar experience before, this song is for you. My heart goes out to you.

None but Jesus- Brooke Fraser/Hillsong United

In the quiet
In the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live
to bring Him praise

In the chaos
In confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord forevermore

Letting go

This time, I really am letting go. It's been almost 3 weeks since the break up, and yet only until just now had I really let it go. Thanks to a friend who told me exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. Thanks above all to God for giving me the sign that I asked for whether or not he is worth another try. So I guess the final verdict is in: There's just no use crying over spilt milk anymore.

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Nothing is ever going to change the fact that he changed my live forever. Nor the fact that he will always be my first love, my first mistake. And for that, I am deeply grateful to the Man above for giving me this experience. In life, there will always be regrets, changes and sacrifices. And when those things happen, you know that you've finally grown as a person.

Lyrics from "Goodbye to you" by Michelle Branch.