A friend has just told me a few minutes ago that my ex (let's just call him X for now) has joined a Christian cell group.
If this was any other friend of mine, I would feel happy for him/her.
*keeps fingers crossed that he doesn't read this*
A
I was stubborn. Only daughter syndrome. It was so wrong that it felt right, in a way. I tricked myself into believing that as long as I was happy, God would provide a way. That includes probably getting him to go to church, to quit smoking, maybe to even get to know Christ. I even believed that the main reason for the relationship was so that I could be his turning point in life.
Little did I know that my plan had its flaws. Firstly, he had a plan of his own. (I'd never shared this before to anyone else except my close friends). Anyway, his plan (which I found out after it was over) was to date at least 2 girls at a time, use them, and then dump them. Secondly, I was misinterpreting all the signals, call me naive or just plain gullible for believing his sweet lies.
2 months went by and he said it wouldn't work out. Then I found out from someone else that he never really liked me, and only "went for it" as I was an easy target. I was furious, disappointed, disgusted, humiliated, and felt incredibly stupid. I thought I knew better, I thought I was smarter.
Most of all, I felt betrayal. It was difficult to put my trust in anybody else after that incident. The days went on very slowly after that, I was forced to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything was okay when in actual fact, I just wanted to break down and cry all over again. I wished everyday that it was just a nightmare that I could wake up from, prayed that time could reverse itself. What made it harder was the fact that I had to see him everyday last year as we lived in the same hall. It was then that I learnt the real meaning of torture.
Healing was a slow process. But I'm thankful for friends who listened and helped me through it.
The reason why I'm bringing this up again is because when Raymond talked about "trials" today during cell group, I chose that as my trial I went through. He mentioned that trials are present in our lives not as brick walls or to hold us down, but trials are there as a sign that God loves us. =)
Trials and tribulations come with both a purpose and a reward.
So many times when we face certain trials, we think of it as a punishment of some sort from God. It's time to think of it as a blessing, as odd as it may sound.
"Consider it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:2-4,12).
I'm still learning, and it's ironic thinking back: Before coming here to NZ, I prayed that God would give me an experience that I can use to encourage people with and make myself a better person. Lo and behold, God provided me the experience of a "worst case scenario". ;P
I want to say I've forgiven X 100%, and can forget about what he did and move on with my life. Some say I must be spending too much time feeding on my despair, but a wound doesn't just heal in a short time. Though it's been over a year now, I'm still learning every single day to truly trust that this experience is necessary for a greater plan that I still cannot understand now.
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
I’ve been there yeah, I know how it feels
To wonder if love is even real
Don’t worry now
Don’t worry now
It’s gonna be ok
I’ve been trying to find a way to understand
When I can’t see the picture of God’s plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feeling that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on the beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew His love was part of me
It’s taken so long to let this go
It’s taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It’s taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
When nothing could convince me
Your love it convinced me
That it’s gonna be ok
~Britt Nicole, Don't Worry Now
To all those still recovering from hurt of any kind, it's going to be ok.
And that's speaking from experience.
1 comments:
There are things that most people don't know.
1. Time heals NO wounds. The only thing that time does is to cover the wounds layer after layer and so what happens is that as time passes by, it only takes more effort to dig right into the place of wounding. And when it does touch the sensitive place, you'll find that it's as painful as ever.
2. The truly brave and strong people are those who face the pain head-on and courageously go through the healing process. When people say that they're strong because 'we have already left it behind' when they're clearly lying, are the real cowards. The healing process is more painful that the initial wounding and it takes gutts to even admit that we're hurting. It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to heal, because one day you will be able to recall the incident, look at the guy, and realised that it doesn't hurt anymore
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. Some relationships are best left in the grave because forgiveness on your part probably does not change him at all. Forgiving is doing yourself good but it doesn't mean that you will have to, even in the near or far future, relive the pain simply to show that you have forgiven.
4. It's normal for betrayal/back-stabbing wounds to last for years, and some people never heal from them. It's not surprising that after just a year, the wounds have not healed a lot. Trust will be very hard to come by, especially with guys. Therefore jumping into a relationship at this point may only peel off the scab of your wound.
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